Thursday, March 17, 2011

Mama Kat's Writing Prompt

The writing prompt I chose from this week's Moma Kat's is "Ten things my mother taught me." When I initially saw the prompt, I thought it read the things my mother taught me, as opposed to ten things. I don't know if I can think up ten things. You see, I suppose most people might think this post is going to be a sentimental and sweet dedication to my mother, but it's not. My mother, quite bluntly, is not anyone to get sentimental or sweet over. Parents like John Locke's (LOST) father and Behrooz Araz's (24) father, do exist. They're very much like my mother; I was, and will always be, expendable to my mother - literally. And unfortunately, so was, and is, my son - her grandson.

By being a horrid mother, she taught me resiliency and strength. Somehow, without love from any of my family, I kept on. I have no idea why. I suppose I was born with a strong soul, but through my childhood, I became stronger and more resilient.

She also taught me creativity and imagination, because to escape the reality of my childhood, I went inward. I created a world in which I was an adult and actually had choices and love. My fantasies and daydreams were always based on reality, so they were/are quite believable. No flights of fancy here...except maybe in my crafting. :)

I was also taught independence. I couldn't count on anyone; no one had my back, so to speak. So I pretty much go it alone. Oh, I'd love to work on a project or goal with a group of people, but for some reason, I end up doing it all myself. Not sure why. Maybe I choose busy or lazy people, so I create a self fulfilling prophecy of always feeling alone? Not sure.

She taught me how not to be a mother! I did go through some therapy so I wouldn't pass on a bunch of baggage to my son. I'm not a perfect mother, but I have to admit - finally - that I did a good job. I also distinctly remember the day in therapy, when my son was playing on the floor, and the therapist asked him a question. I can't even remember what the question was now, but I remember crying as soon as he said his answer because it was a very significant answer. (He was around eight years old at the time). The therapist looked up at me and smiled. She said, simply: "You've broken the cycle."

I also learned to be very nurturing - but not through my mother's example. I had to mother myself, and sometimes I had to be her mother when she'd have yet another pity party or ranting and raving, saying how I should've never been born and how much trouble it is to be a single mom.

Those are positive things my mother taught me. There are, of course, negative ones. I tend to be a loner because I've had to be. I tend to not want to be a bother to people, so it's easy for me to jump to conclusions since I had to always be hyper aware of my environment and try to be as invisible as possible.

I learned how horrible words can hurt and how just as horribly emotional abandonment can hurt as well.

While she was a horrible person - and still is - I'm glad she was my mother because I became a stronger person for it.

Mama’s Losin’ It


  1. This is a very touching post. I admire your ability, like Pollyanna, to look at the bright side. And, I'm so glad you were able to break the cycle with your son.

  2. Sounds like you are an good example of someone who has made the best of a bad situation and learned from it. Thank God you broke the cycle!

    Stopping by from Writer's Workshop. Here's my posts about stories of love if you get a chance to visit: and

  3. Wow...just wow. This was an amazing post and you sound like an amazing woman.

    Visiting from Mama Kat's

  4. I hurt for the life you endured because of the things she taught you by default. I learned resiliency the hard way too. Thank you for pouring your heart out today on the linkup to mamakat's writer's workshop. I am glad to meet you and know more about you.

  5. It will always be so difficult for me to understand these kinds of relationships. I was blessed with an incredible relationship with my mother and our love for each other meant the world to me. Sadly, my sister never felt this love with my mother. I don't understand why and I won't ever but just knowing how much my mom loved and cared about me is enough. How brave of you to admit what kind of a relationship you had with your mother and to vow not to be that way with your children.

  6. Wow, girl, you have had it tough and
    I can see that you have become a strong
    woman for it! At least you learned how
    to be a good mother, for it....Good for

    Bear Hugs & Blessings~Karen

  7. A touching and honest post. I admire your strength, your awareness, your ability to see the silver lining in a very dark cloud. Hugs to you.

  8. I totally hear ya. Neither of my parents were even decent.

    (visiting from tgc blog hop)

  9. I'm still trying to emotinally process all these comments. I really didn't expect such empathy. Instead, I kinda expected some judgment since, as we're all brought up, we should love Mom, apple pie, and baseball (or at least tolerate baseball - lol)!

    I have to admit to crying a bit reading all your comments. I really appreciate them.

  10. "She taught me how not to be a mother."
    That's the sum total of what my mother taught me, also. In fact, I have used those very words. Though I understand a post like this might be difficult to read for some, to others it is almost comforting. Know that you are not alone. Too many children have grown up in this way. I am happy to hear that "You've broken the cycle"; so have I. I know how hard this must have been to write - thank you.
    Psalm 27:10

  11. Tracy, how brave of you to put this into words and how I wish I could take away your pain and the reality of your childhood. I am amazed and heartened to see that you can come up with so many positives from your upbringing and that you have broken the cycle of abuse and neglect that you had to endure. It can be done and you are a living example of that. Your son is very lucky to have you as his Mom, thanks for sharing my friend, Deb

  12. I shocked myself tonight by almost accidentally saying, "I'm glad that I went through the stuff I did." In my case, it was losing 3 babies,financial issues, living with family for 8 months. I meant that I was glad about the person I have become/am still becoming, because of those experiences. In that way, I think I relate to what you are saying.

  13. It's amazing how people respond to truth. And it shows here on your post by the response to your courage to be honest. Not all of us were raised by June Cleaver and I believe that we either fold or become stronger people through adversity. Thanks for sharing part of your story.

  14. My mom was amazing..I know this because I see how my two sisters and I grew up so well adjusted and relatively normal, after a childhood dealing with my dad, who was so not; resembling your own mom more closely, in fact. It was all her doing, or, if she didn't do it, she facilitated our ability to do it.

    And I feel the same way, in regards to my dad. I am strong, I am resilient, I can deal...I know how to sift and lift out what is truly important in life, and not get (too) caught up in the little things. I am a better, more capable person, thanks to my life with him.

  15. Dear Tracy,
    I am a member of the Bloggerette Sorority and I wanted to drop by and introduce myself. I always love to read the first few posts of each blogger. You are so very brave to share your story. It made me cry. I TOO, LEARNED MANY THINGS GROWING UP and that is to be thankful she gave me life.
    I would love to invite you to become my friend...I like friend better than follower because I don't want someone to follow me, I want them to walk beside me and that we each learn things from each other. I also not only your blog but the wall art you created on Thursday with the pizza stone box.
    Have A Sugar Sweet Day
    Simply Debbie